"Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead"

 

...I have to admit to my counselor that I have had auditory and visual hallucinations of a child I have not met, physically held or buried...

I'm supposed to be getting help, medication included, and I'm horrified.

I'm fucking hating myself. I have to make it known. I have to say it or I won't get better. I have to tell a stranger with a script pad that I lied...actually I have in fact had auditory and visual hallucinations and it's been for...years...

I fear the inevitable change of medication and that I will lose her forever.

I'm going to lose Nugget. I'm going to lose Autumn Catherine Johnson.

A. Second. Fucking. Time.

I tried to sleep after the whole memorial talk with her mom. That was painful. I got so tense so fast...angry...hurt...sad.

Fucking just broken sad. Fucking John Wick sad. All the bullets in the world, then some, attached to The Holocaust on legs, ankle fucking the unrest of racism in it's entirety...sad.

I heard her voice. It just spit acidic regret under the fingernails of 'i miss you' that dug into my fucking shit sack body.

See.

Fear.

My fear haunts me far worse. My fear of failing eats at me. My fear told me to shut up or my parents were dead when it came down to that question:

"Do you suffer from auditory or visual hallucinations?"

Saying yes meant that you aren't real Nugget. Saying yes meant that I was telling the world that you're a figment of an imagination. Saying yes meant that I didn't believe in you.

I refused to fucking say that.

You. Are. Real.

You're our real. We saw you, see you (mama has), know you, heard you, hear you (again, mama)...YOU ARE FUCKING REAL!!!

So. Now.

I have to ask myself the next thing, please Nugget, hear me out...

"Do I say that my daughter is a figment of my dismantled imagination to get better or do I stand by my heart and keep that a secret, even if it means I get the medication that will make me a better person?"

I do not have a clue. I'm fucking stuck.

Be human? Be robotic?

Emotional? Logical?

Selfish? Encompassing?

Feel? Deny?

I have to chose:

For me it boils down to:

denouncing what you KNOW is real for the sake of HEALTH

or

denouncing HEALTH for the sake of what you KNOW is real.

I'm hoping for a rare chemical reaction...but I don't have that kind of luck.