"Rerouting of Neurons"

 

I never told my counselor about Autumn.

I din't mention once that I see and hear a child who never got to see the light of day. Didn't get lungs. Didn't get a sunrise, sunset, birthday, cake, siblings, hope, a gentle caress, parental soothing breath. All those things that never even got a sliver of hope of a fucking chance...now it's time that I put it out there.

I'm going to finally lose her.

Autumn Catherine Johnson.

It's not that daddy doesn't want you now more than ever.

It's not that I didn't want you from the start.

I did. Still do. Always will. Nugget, you're always on my mind. You and your everything.

I cry because I remember those first moments with Mackenzie & Hunter. The bright lights, fear, excitement, more fear, shock & awe.

I've had all these dreams, thoughts, hopes, memories...

How did memories happen?!?! Nugget?! How?!

Every time I hear mommy's voice it's more razors and salt. Pain and tears. That voice is your voice, more bass, but your's. I hear you rattle in her timber. That imperfection in the perfection of sounds. I feel you run. Pitter patter of little toes.

Fuck you. Fuck you world for not just finishing the job.

Fuck you. Fuck you hope for having her eyes.

Fuck you. Fuck you desperation and levelheadedness...you have anchored me here when I should be her armor. You keep me planted, rooted in this shit hole of a world when Nugget needs me?!?! Who's the selfish fucking coward now?!

You. Fuck you life. Why not just draw down, take aim and degrade this tired, piece of shit body and let it go...just let my terrible ass go. Anger is heavy. Life stop being angry. Get some sleep and just...stop it already...let me walk her home...

I miss her. I long to stand by her.

I failed her. Her mother. Her siblings.

Dear Autumn,

Daddy can't fix this. I'm sorry I let you down. I wish i could ink this pen with the tears that make your wings real in heaven. All those glistening feathers that echo your innocent self. Keep your mother and siblings safe, happy, together & loved.

Daddy can't do it again. I know baby, that's basic.

You make me smile.

Thank you for giving me a glimpse.

One day I hope I make you proud again. Good night Nugget.

I won't soon forget, unless you say so, then it's all for you.