"An Explanation...(With A Soundtrack)...

 

I decided to push my limits.

Emotionally.

...I just hope I did this correctly...

...Forgive me if I didn't...

Presented with the ability to deeply understand a great deal of my feelings, emotions, dilemmas, issues, problems, hopes, dreams, wishes, wants, desires, etc...I said yes. Fully afraid for my life.

I took all the proper precautions. Made all the responsible, adult, fully aware actions to ensure that everything was going to be okay...we would all be fine...that nothing bad would happen.

Knowing that. Knowing that I overthink everything. I made contingencies for contingencie's contingencies...yeah, that second one isn't even a word for real. The writer submits to colloquialisms.

I let myself go. Ego. Self. Sense. Consciousnesses.

I let me go. Before letting that control get jerked away I put my earbuds in, plugged them into my 8GB old school iPod Touch and cued up "Whack World" by Tierra Whack. I know, go ahead, laugh and chuckle and tell your friends how indeed WHACK I am...we'll all wait...

Done?

Great.

Each of the 15 tracks have a meaning to me and I will do my absolute best to write out what I felt and experienced thru each of these tracks. I can tell you with complete heart-felt honesty, I'm fucking frightened to write all these things...but if I don't, how will I be healed and hopefully heal those I've hurt?

You have to let yourself go.

That is the ONLY way.

SO! Away we go. May I present my emotional connection by word to the album "Whack World" beautifully presented by the voice, mind, heart & soul of Tierra Whack.

"BLACK NAILS"

I never stop thinking about all the great times when I was with you, the kids, being a family. Never. Some of the most proud times where when we were just us. Individually and apart. At the same time. We had dreams for each other and for all of us. The sun was brighter. Fresh cut grass. Sweat. Fingertips.

They all mattered. Every second. Each waking moment and one spent safe with you. Curled up like kittens. Together like we couldn't stop it.

Then the fights.

"BUGS LIFE"

It's all those times when I wasn't open with what was going on with me. Emotions. You know? those things I've never used to expressing? Thank you for every last ditch effort you made. You are fucking superhero...sadly even they can't save everyone in time. That's no flaw. That's no weakness. It's just truth.

Too many times I would come home and get in the bath and just silently bawl like a pussy. Sitting in the water, alone, trying to man the fuck up and keep a brave face because I have more things to process and I put it into a box and then it comes hurtling down I can't understand what to do to not scare anyone. I do that without adding sadness to sternness and anger. What's scarier: a heavy energy guy who stays heavy or the heavy energy guy that goes from atomic bomb to tsunami with no explanation? I don't have an answer because I know they are both fucking terrifying.

I'm sorry I terrify people. I don't try 95% of the time.

"FLEA MARKET"

My mind IMMEDIATELY went to prom. It's the bass line. Don't judge my sensual side, even though, I know you don't recognize it. The silly guy who would mount you on the couch, lean in (nervous as all get out) and try to be gentle and sexy with you. The groove we had. Making out. I think about that time we had our clothes on and still came.

Our eyes were electric. We met. We saw it, felt it, couldn't hold it in. Fingertips on skin, warm breath on cheeks, the warmth of my love...how I wanted to slow down and just watch you enjoy yourself.

That bass line will ALWAYS make me think of you. I'm sorry if that disgusts you. If it makes you feel better, that's a compliment to you and a haunting memory to me.

"CABLE GUY"

"Wish she had a remote just to control me..." Now that can be taken two ways:

#1. He could say; I wish she would just tell me what the fuck she REALLY means! Wish she had a remote to just point me where I need to be...I'm lost.

#1.B He could say; She wish she had a remote to just MAKE me do what she wants all the time. That's control. She MAKES me do what she says...I feel like I'm being controled.

"You was my friend you used to be my homie..." That's just a given, but I will explain...

Even when you and I were at odds, I wish we had just hugged more. I didn't follow through on my side  so I'M NOT BLAMING YOU for that. I blame myself. That wasn't fair. To either of us. We both deserve love. Plain and simple. I'm sorry I didn't give more when it mattered...or ever...either of which is your truth.

"You wanna be seen with me...?" I always read that action like it was a question, like, why would she WANT to be seen with me...after how I've been...how is she proud of me? Is she proud of me? Is this just a front? Can she be trusted? Where's my homie when I need her?

"4 WINGS"

"Salt, pepper, ketchup & hot sauce. Here's some swag you can bite off."

A lot of life lessons there.

Simple little seasonings of humanity to make your life richer. Boost your taste buds. Fuck why didn't you catch the full menu dude?

"If love someone you should tell'em."

Again, another place where I let you down. Not just you. All the people I said are important. I didn't tell them enough how much I was just happy to know them. See them. Experience them.

For you though, that was the lowest place I went with it. Just a hug though? I didn't provide the most handicap-able of responses? Yeah, you might get crutch clap but wow...I'm just a fucking piece of shit. Not even a hug. It all makes perfect sense.

 

"HOOKERS"

Again, you and the bass lines...you make me want to go to pole dancing class so that I can make you feel as sexy as you used to make me feel...and I am fully aware that statement, feeling, knowledge is 1000x amplified on your side.

I know this. I can not say a word that will undo that. I can only try to apologize forever.

I did it all. Words. Actions. Isolation. I did it all. I have to point out my wrongs, because without owning how you screwed everyone you can't begin to fix it. So there it is.

On the other side of this, I think about how excited each other. You excited me more than I did you. I won't argue that. When I excited you though...that was a solid win. Even until the end there was the "kitchen wall" time, the "oh and he from work to sling dick" time, the "I'm happy we got two set's of cuffs" time and the absolute, knock-down drag out, greatest time...our first time.

Slow...sensual...with a few hip rolls. My stripper music to you.

Lyrically: dark as fuck. Explains every time you told me to leave, pack shit, get the fuck out, I can do this without you.

All of it true. I never doubted you. I don't doubt you now. My loss.

"HUNGRY HIPPO"

"He likes my diamonds and my pearls. I said think you I designed it."

Lifestyle, character, demeanor...appreciation All of these things we have each designed individually and together. We were attracted because of the other's sparkle. We got know more and kept finding things we loved. The pearls.

Art, literature, music, movies, thoughts.

Ideals.

Joys.

I know exactly where I failed. It was once pointed out that I come on too strong. I do. I come on to strong out of fear of rejection. I'm a 5 at best and on average 3.4...let's be honest. That isn't sarcasm. That's how I feel.

For a long time. However. I deserve it.

"PET CEMETERY"

I told John goodbye today.

What a cocky, loud-mouthed, hilarious fucking selfish bastard.

Dude?! What the actual, queer-bait, Ford driving, "pots and pans" music listening, purse carrying bullshit was your fucking suicide?!

Why didn't I see something going on? Where the fuck was I when he needed me? Was I even a friend? Today I asked all those questions at the river. I sat. I listened. I didn't hear him speak a word.

He's gone. Period. Let him rest, move on & just know you carry him in the things he taught you. He's good and so are you. Be happy you got to know him.

"FUCK OFF"

I'm sorry for using your past as a weapon. I can't unsay the words I've said. Ever. They are etched into what I assume is my "soul". Yes. I hear those words, in my voice, with my cadence and I hate me too. I'm nothing.

End of story.

What I so easily muster up within a split second...like...why am I such a venomous...thing. I can't even say I feel like a person much anymore. I'm just...here.

I know how when dad's walk out. We both have wildly different stories. The fact is still the same: after having a guy fail you how could a guy fail you?

You got done 100% dirty. I doubled down.

Will you take a second and let that soak in? I went worse on me. Twice over. I failed two people at once. That's fucking insane. How much harder could I fuck up? Oh no. I did.

We both have kids. Now the title makes even more sense. That's what people say to people like me.

I use my words because I don't ever want to put my hands on a person. That's no excuse. Words do just as much damage if not more...I just cant, won't nor allow myself to do so. Hadn't there been enough of that?

NO: I'M IN NO WAY EXCUSING MY WORDS.

YES: I REFUSED TO ACT PHYSICALLY NO MATTER WHAT.

"SILLY SAM"

So much mental turmoil. We could've done better. I believe that. Even now that it's too late. The ups and downs.

Say this. Do that. That was always my MO.

Say this. Mean that. That was always your MO.

"If you play your cards right it'll be alright and if you don't you're in trouble for life."

Every fight felt like standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter waiting for your file to download to PDF.

"How many pages will it be today?"

I couldn't stand it. I just gave up most of the time. I sat and listened and said nothing. I was so worn down that I didn't have it in me...and when I got a spark...I was losing my shit. I felt so quiet, so submissive, so dominated that if it was more than a narration, I was suddenly off the deep end.

Talk...but at an elevated whisper...but super assertive...in sign language.

That wasn't meant to be funny. I seriously put together all my mental images and that's what came out. Most of the time when I made a joke...that was my brain trying to filter down everything in to a quick sentence because I know I over explain.

Look up. Prime example.

The games from your side really just fucked me up.

You literally picked every sentence perfectly to keep me at distance and then get angry I wasn't closer. Please, don't think I have forgotten what I've said. I remember all too well. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could undo it...every nanosecond of pain.

I'll gladly take it all in any form. Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual.

Maybe that's why I did what I did recently. I know the pain I caused, so rightfully so, I relinquished my rites to Autumn by binding her TO you not FROM you.

Happy Birthday?

That wasn't snide or rude or anything the sort.

I wanted to make sure the two of you were always safe and always had each other. Now there doesn't have to be any lost energy use. No tiring of the connection. No more missed moments.

I miss her already. I just love her & know that she has better people to look after. She's with me all the time...this heart looks like an 8-bit dragonfly head. That's more than I deserve and I won't question why.

"FRUIT SALAD"

You made me so happy. Genuinely happy.

In the...TO ME...weirdest of ways. "Oh no, less 7-11 food. You know what, help me make dinner." It's going to sound so fucking stupid but that makes me cry. Getting to make dinner LIKE THAT. Even after a day of physical torture...that's where I wanted to be. By your side. Helping feed the kids. That family thing that you tell people about but just can't REALLY put into words.

Then there's the harsher part.

It's talking about making a plan. Staying low. Keeping your mind right doing what you need to do. Now, there were varying parts to that emotional spectrum:

Fear, Anger, Hate, Spite, Sorrow, Acceptance, Progress...THAT WAS ALCOHOL.

Anger, Sorrow, Sadness, Paranoia, Distance...THAT WAS THE EMASCULATION.

Anger, Sorrow, Sadness, Distance...THAT WAS FEAR.

Sorrow, Sadness, Distance...THAT WAS FAILURE.

Sorrow & Distance...THAT WAS HORROR.

Distance...THAT WAS THE BOXES.

Let me let you in on the great part...I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through and it can't be unsaid. It can't be untrue. It's completely, 100% can't stop won't stop true because I felt a lot hit me in an instant, and without you, it wouldn't have been possible, to have felt this next bit:

I had to walk through the steps. Physically. When I was walking back to the car today I chose to take the outside part of the trail...the part with the more obtuse rocks. I thought, well when you ground you make the most connectivity with the Earth...whoa...I have to drive home barefoot now. I have to confirm this.

Yes. I was melted into the air. The trees were talkative with the breeze from the south. I finally got what you meant...it was absolute connection. I took Cary Street all the way down through the Bottom and popped up onto Main and rode it out to home. The cars sparkled. The sun kissed the wind and it felt grand.

 If I couldn't see past pain...how could I see that beauty? Maybe I'm working backwards...I don't know.

"PRETTY UGLY"

It felt like that was what I had to say so that I didn't have to say more. By that I mean; I felt like if I said "I'm alright" I could get by long enough to forget what I was feeling, just in case I had to talk about it...because I felt like I knew it would be used against me later...does that make sense? I wanted to trust you more to not take my fears and insecurities against me so heavily and more times all at once.

I used to keep count of them...just so I could mark them off a list in my head so that I knew when the argument MIGHT be done. Isn't that so fucking pathetic that it makes you want to laugh at me? I seriously kept count...and that was part of what I left on those rocks and sand today. Standing up and accepting my role in a tragedy. I have been the worst in the worst of times. I stand and accept my flaws, failures, insecurities & issues.

"SORE LOSER"

I know I do. I know this isn't the case for you.

I get that. I'm not mad. I'm just...not. It's a strange feeling like, you want to stop it but then you think, "If she was in this bed we wouldn't be talking about it."

Well, that's where I slept. I'm just a loser now. Right?

It's cool. The bass line and you...time after time...I can't explain it. It's not the same emotion all the time either...like what the fuck Baby-Doll?

That fucking deep stroke with the good cuffs that held up...and the blindfold. It's so funny how a billboard makes you think about a new experience you shared with a loved one. I'm vanilla...no shock, right? Lol. It's okay. I'm okay. Thank you for that...it was exhilarating.

That's it.

"DR. SEUSS"

"Not hard to say but It's hard to do. Easy for me but it's hard for you."

This is my MO. This your MO. It's almost the same thing but not because we disconnected. I think it was getting put on medication that really scared me. Bi-Polar medication...at 35...like why didn't I get a clue before now? Why did I wait?

I don't know. Having to ask for help...not my forte and definitely my downfall. I admit that all the way. I know I didn't always feel safe with talking about my deep deep self near the end. Getting into the medication wasn't a place I felt okay talking to you because I felt like me being confirmed ill meant that you could hold it over my head. That was a real fear. I feel pathetic saying it, but it's okay. I saw my fear today. It was sketchy. It walked the bridge over the river...just looking until the sun splashed up on the metal rails...then it vanished.

So even though the track sounds really heavy, which it is, it's oddly comforting, like listening to vinyl on carpet, high out of your mind in high school.

Some 16 Candles shit right?

Lol. I know, I shifted gears...enough with the sad stuff.

I won't pretend the they didn't happen but I won't focus.

"WAZE"

That last line...

...god damn Baby-Doll, yes you are...

It's my loss now. I'm sorry for every disappointment, lie, betrayal, devious word, lack-luster or simply lacking...everything.

I'm sorry. I wish you well.