“Null”

The long talks on the couch with laughter and hand holding. Glistening eyes that shown wide with light, Mocha Caramel colored ones that can leave you breathless and speechless. They did. They did just that, on so many occasions that I can even begin to number them.

Her soft fingertips caressing my veins as she smiled, like it was Christmas and they were sought after gifts. Gifts that I could actually give her. Warmth from her palms on my forearm and stomach. Comfort that had been missing. Sparkles. Tingles. Heart on fire.

The first time I woke up next to her. Curled up with her beauty, bathed in delight as the sun kissed our faces to let us know it was time to awaken to each other. The smile that wouldn’t leave my face without a carving knife & a strong constitution to take it away. Happy tears.

So much more and so much less.

I know I have to put these things away for good, tightly locking them in a box and put on a shelf in the back of the furthest reaches of my mind. For her. Because of me. That’s how things have to be. Yes I know these things can’t be held for eternity, I know they will leak out of the lid from time to time. That is okay. I will handle these moments when they happen.

Quietly remember, internally process, silently grieve & soak them back up with the same sleeves I’ll use to dry my eyes, wring  them out...back into that box and restart the clock until the next instance. Keeping myself in check.

Deep breathes. Quiet suffering. Open writing. No more hiding what’s inside & how my outside caused it all.