“Fright with a side of whoa”

Work has offered me a shot at the vaccine. I’m not trustworthy. Since August I’ve had 11 CV19 tests and I have come up negative 11 times.

I feel like in civialian terms I deserve a title shot.

No belts. No bonuses. No promises.

Zero Guarantees.

I am CHOOSING to submit myself for the the better good. I’m ALLOWING myself to be indoctrinated out of pseudo-science.

Before it had a name I got this horrible, fear based, GMO batch of fuck and I’m still here.

Truth is truth.

I have had the mind fucking ability to move in, move out, express my empathy for those who have THEIR LOVED ONES due to the diagnosis of CV19.

The worst was Amber Thomas...(names changed to protect the innocent)...

104 years of age came home to her daughter the day before my daughter would’ve turned 2 years of age. Not even 6 months went by and I got the news that “we” were moving her things out because she was no longer with us.

My anxiety went into “DBZ” status and my body went I to full collapse. My insides attacked me in ways that I wouldn’t wish on...the worst of the worst if hitler had gotten lucky and made an heir.

I’m a fucking monster I most sense of the word.

Yet...I couldn’t muster the fucking courage to just pick up inanimate objects and shove them (gracefully) into a truck and get them gone.

I failed them.

I...I...couldn’t do save this amazing woman from the world that didn’t have a stitch of power over her until...she closed her book in the “Library of Souls”.

I’m no hero. I’m not a good person. I’m the pale horse that rides endless and takes on the dead when the world ends. The last sign of things to come and that take.

I carry the world on me, in me, with me.

It started when I said those words.

It ended when I spoke that phrase.

I can NEVER undo it.

I can NEVER unhear.

I can NEVER repair.

Behold the coward.

Behold: The Pale Horse.