“Idiot Time # 1”

Hunter decided that after 3 times of being told to clean his room he did so...and didn’t complete the task.

I found him on YouTube watching a game play through of “HollowKnight” and I almost lost my shit.

Me: “WHO. THE FUCK. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!”

Him:...*blank stare...lip quiver...instant tears...*

I had to just stand there and batten down the hatches because I saw his fear. HORRIFIED, fear.

Me: “I told you to do this and you just FUCKING disrespected me and did whatever the FUCK...did what the FUCK you thought was just okay?!?!”

...his WHOLE body tensed and waited...

Me: “IS THIS O-FUCKING-KAY?!?!”

His reply brought me back to a very bad ducking time when he LIED and it was either me breaking him down and laying him out like rock salt...OR...doing better...

Him: “I...I LIED AND HID...like when I LIED about Lee!!!!!!!!” Please don’t hurt me. I did the wrong thing and I...”.

I almost snatched him out of his skin and put my hands on him.

I almost exacted revenge on him.

Again.

I strongly remember that night. Bear was was right there in the hallway. YOU were to my right and looking at me like I was the worst cop on earth...and I...I know I let loose.

His little self caught grip over the thermal heater and knew he was still...alive?!...there...?!...not in a broken home or FUCKED UP place...and he looked down the hall and Lee was shocked.

I know I looked in Lee’s eyes and then I looked at Hunter, eyes pouring with tears, Bear...just in total post war PTSD, then you...and all I had was these words:

“GO THE FUCK TO BED! STARE AT RHE FUCIING WALL! PEE NOW AND DONT THE FUCK UP UNTIL I SEE YOU!!!”

I didn’t even say I love you.

What kind of monster am I?!?!?!

Rhetorical.

I’m a fucking monster. End of story.

I still don’t get it. Why did YOU even let me in?!

I ruined 3 families.

One day. Some day.

This evil will be put to rest.

The only pale horse stands at the battle front, awaits their equal.

That will be the best day.