“Moments in a Memory”

I remember when Mackenzie couldn’t stop crying like a banshee. Just fucking bloody murder. She was teething and no amount of ice cubes (crushed in a ziplock), teething rings or frozen waffles could make her comfortable. She just howled like the end of the world was at the door step.

So I asked her to tell me what the fuck she wanted...just...give daddy a sign to help her and her tiny hands reached out and she...she pulled the middle knuckle of my pointer finger in and she went in like a fat guy at an all you can eat Rib-Eye buffet in Golden Corral.

I swore she was half zombie half drunk. Lol.

It did the trick. She gnawed on me and went to sleep without a care in the world. I held her close and slept with a knife next to my free hand because no matter what, no one was going to pry her away from me.

Not. A. Soul.

Then I did. I pulled her away by being a drunk.

I say in the floor of our trailer at 835 and told her “Daddy is going to live somewhere else.”

She cried so damn hard. I dried up like desert sand.

I had to be strong. For her. For Hunter.

I hid my pain so that they both knew I’d always be there. I didn’t want to show I was sad, just strong enough not to put a gun in my mouth and  be a coward and leave them both. Forever.

I loathe suicide.

I get it. Feeling helpless.

Defeated. Overwhelmed. Checkmated.

That’s why when “Bear” was so casul about talking it like a sitcom that I freaked out. Taylor saw that in me and I knew I fucked up with my reaction.

She went full “RainMan” and went off to decompress. You had a moment. Eyes darting and searching, scanning, calling out...

An amazing mushroom hunt, secret river find, in a far park on the other side of town.

I’m no doctor. I’m no genius.

Not the first time it’s happened. PTSD? Fuck if I know.

I got triggered and got mad as all of Texas. We parted and I sped home for the kids. I got lucky.

I had an out to get back to the house to greet the kids. Met them with sunglasses so they couldn’t see me looking like a shorty suburban housewife who just found out they got cheated on.

My memories are video footage, still shots, selfies.

Like when we looked happy at the pool. The one you got when they did the shaving cream slip and slide next to the gate and then it was “Bear” getting the swan for movie night.

Fucking cheese fries and and family time.

I miss that. I remember that. It was the best.

Thank you, Peach-Cream. I will never stop thinking about the beat of times. I will never stop punishing myself for the worst of them.

It’s almost that time for her to get bigger and better.

Give her a big ole hug for me. Or don’t.

I know I’ll be somewhere smiling at her smile.