“Concepts of Closure”

It is possible to gain closure...it TRULY is possible...I just haven’t hailed the taxi to that road as of yet. I can’t even begin to raise my hand in the pouring rain on that street to even get a grip on the door handle to get away...I can’t get my fingers to work in that way. It’s a stand still, “Mexican stand off” between wanting to move on and being stranded in the bone chilling, eye destroying pain of loss, devastation & flagellation.

...I stand essentially alone at that corner of “KYMFS Avenue & Retrace Your Steps Boulevard”...gently readjusting the overcoat of “Why’d you do this” on a bench dedicated to “List your reasons to jump”...

It’s been almost 1 year of distancing, 3 years of loss and yet another day of why isn’t it the same.

It’s my feeling that it’s a direct cause of my lack of being able to love like love was meant to shape and show love. A simplistically complex way of explaining that some people (me) just ruin the idea of love and all of its aspects...a collective of self doubt, emptiness that led to a devout inability to find fortune, yet instead, fuck up the fine examples of what it is to be LOVED.

Tense muscles. Toss and turn.

Tight mind. Fumes and ruins.

Emotions try to ACTUAL bloom.

Pull the trigger after you...

Lock.

Load.

Take aim.

Now undo the tomb...

Now a ruined womb. Not a shot at her but at me for brewing stress in the fucking world while I stand consumed by the fact that I’m a FUCKING goon.

I don’t want to ACTUALLY die. I’m not THAT a destructive a guy but I know I deserve the rite to say I’m just a ANNIHILATION of life. That’s who I feel I am without question. I have night terrors of us going at it in sesssions. I’m taking notes, learning my lessons and making myself a new person.

Why is that I was easier to talk to, when I gawked thru life consumed by the booze on my tongue and my tone casually said “man fuck you”?

Yeah. I was a joke, still am but don’t F me B or treat as a cloak...I don’t cover backs...I will back you up and reboot you with all that I am.

It’s this. Brain. That refrains. From being in pain. By simply building a wall like I’m PF Chang.

I’m not closed but I’m closed off and scoffing at the mirror at 4:01am and wishing for a plane crash across the street like “Please Lawd”.

Yes. I’ve defrauded my wishes, wants & blessings. Lied, cheated and misdirected.

Insomnia is my curse and my cause because it’s my doing for ruining, losing & not sleeping abroad.