“Every other 15 Minutes”

That’s how I’ve been sleeping. Every other 15 minutes at a time. It’s a nightmare inside of a night terror inside of a panic attack inside of anxious stupidity. It truly makes me feel like a freak...and not in a fun way.

My eye bags are swollen and dark.

I’ve found myself binge watching show after show to try to numb my mind because my thoughts race and they keep me resetting on a constant basis. The best word I can use to describe my feel for this is hate. I hate being this way. I’ve felt less like this when life is other ways however those ways are in the past and aren’t going to be my way again.

After my last massive anxiety attack it became very clear that is what I’m going to be...just me and me alone. I feel like its better this way considering everything. Sure I’ve been better with someone else by my side but I’m not better for someone else by my side. I screw things up constantly and allow my insecurities and anxious nature overrule what my heart tells me I want and in some way, need.

That being said, I have plenty on my mind and don’t feel the need to burden others with these things because everyone has their own stuff going on and it isn’t fair for me to add to their already shoulder aching load.

So I write, keep to myself, internalize & remain quiet in myself for the safety of others. I’ve realized this is what’s for the best, the greater good and emotional welfare of the world.